bother me.

today,i talked with a guy on msn.
i dont do it often cuz its waste of time and everytime i face to computer,thats the time i have something to search.
but i had time.so i talked.

he asked me whether i drink or not so i told him that i used to be an alcoholic and trying to be clean.
i think he took me as a slut or some kinda.
he said "you kick ass,lady you rule!!"
it DID NOT make me happy.
i was not trying to be addicted by myself,my will.
i just need sake to get over my dearest friends suicide bcuz im weak.
yes,im weak.i couldnt save her.i couldnt even reach out and say "its okay" to her.
the fear that the killer might be me.
scares me.kills real me.i started to drink a lot and try not to think of it.

does it make me look like a whore?hell no.

Control Freak

You lose control when you hold too tight,
And turn your head long enough to let it bite.
Cause faith left me staring at the ceiling through the night.
It's freaking me out.

And when I fell asleep, it plagued my dreams,
And 30 bits of glass had become my teeth.
They were breaking each and every time I tried to speak.
It's freaking me out.

You're freaking me out,
You're freaking me out.
And I keep running like a coward for the door,
But I'll never get out.
You're freaking me out.

You lose your mind if you lose control.
It makes you feel ashamed for the hearts you stole.
And now, your own heart's scared of an attack,
Cause you can't give them back.
You're stressing me out when you prove me wrong,
You're wearing me out cause I've slept so long.

You're freaking me out,
You're freaking me out.
And I keep running like a coward for the door,
But I'll never get out.
You're freaking me out.

Throw it all away,
I threw it all
And I threw it all away,
And the best part is not knowing just what I threw away.
I threw it all away.

You're freaking me out,
You're freaking me out.
And I keep running like a coward for the door,
But I'll never get out.
You're freaking me out.

You're freaking me out,
You're freaking me out.
But I keep running right back around for more,
Cause I'm in love with my doubt.
It's freaking me out.

youre freaking me out,mom.
i told you.you cant say im insane bcuz were all insane.

watch out your best friend is gonna cheat on you.

Tim Burton is insane.
i like his early works like,Vincent and Frankenweenie.
color stuff like BeetleJuice is really nice and its wonderful but black n white is incredible to.

i had a best boyfriend ever.
he was amazing and i was his only one.
the guy,Tim said he wanted to mary me.
i didnt say yes.cuz i thought he was joking.
and last year,he said he was going to Germany to study language.
i tried to tell him that i didnt want him to go,but i couldnt.
i simply couldnt do so.i dont know why.
i just said "goodbye to you goodbye to you you taking up my time"
i should have apologized him but my mouth didnt move as i wanted it to.
i just kept on singing...

Im about to see a million things I thought Id never seen before,
And I...Im about to do all of the things I dreamed of and
I dont even miss you at all

he stared at me for a while.and sang:

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste my time with you.

i couldnt stand it anymore.
he left,and i realized.

it's hard to say that i was wrong
its hard to say I miss you
since you've been gone it's not the same
it's hard to say i held my tongue
it's hard to say if only
since you've been gone it's not the same

worse than a fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
worse than a fear it's the knife
but it's hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cry

why im missing and loving him this much?
bcuz he is my bestfriend(RIP)s brother.
i loved her more than anything.
when she killed herself we shared the fear,the sorrow,the pain,everything.
we needed each other to get over.
and we still need each other becuz we havent got over.
he saved me when i was addicted in drinking and couldnt have myself.
what to do with this?i dont know.

candid.

picture model:Jelly Belly and kinda

ppl in my school says im insane.

they dont even know who i am.

but they call me.why?

they call me "Dyslexia" .

aw,whatever.

photography and music are only things i can trust.

blogger sucks.
i couldnt login for like 2months.

book im reading now:F.M.Dostoevskii"Brothers Karamazov"

music im listening lately:Sullivan"Cover Your Eyes" awesome! and Smashing Pumpkins' new album

food im eating right now:Jelly Belly

diary

it has been a while.
i wasnt able to login so.
3/12
my mom suggested me to read some books.
i used to read a lot but i havent in a few years so i decided to.
im gonna read...
Demian-Hermann Hesse

Resurrection-Leo Tolstoy

Veronika Decides to Die-Paulo Coelho

3/15
i finished reading Demian.
it was really good story and i like it.
im not good at expressing,so i cant say what was good and how it made me change.
but i feel much better now.
thankyou mom for this idea.

3/22
ok,i read it.resurrection.it was fucking long in japaneseeee...
Nekhlyudov,i like this guy.
what he thinks and how he act is real.
his alive.it makes him so close to me.im sick of real world tho.
aww im sleepy and words getting worse and worse...
gotta go,good night.

3/24
omg,velonika.i like this novel the best (of three).
im almost cried at where she thinks shes gonna die.
i dont kno,i just thought i could be a good friend with her.

"are you where you thought to be?so beautiful and only 23"

anberlin,alexithymia.

3/25
im gonna leave for guitar clubs camp tomorrow....
its hard for me cuz im afraid i might panic again.
i cant leave alcohol after all.
music and camera and you,tim felenn is my pain killer.
i love you,felenn.thanx for helping me out.
im lucky to have such a great boyfriend.
thank god for keping me alive.adore you.

so i start this blog AGAIN.

yes,im alive:)

I FUCKING LOVE Anberlin!!!!!!!!!!!!!